“Don’t leave me!”
HELPING THE CHILD WHO DOESN’T WANT TO SEPARATE
Most school refusal is a problem of separating. Some children just seem to have more difficulty separating from parents and caregivers. Others may be reacting to changes in a family, such as birth of a sibling, a death, divorce, a parent’s illness or the illness of another family member.
Rule number one:
Never give into your child’s demands to go or stay home. It really will make it much worse. The next time, the demands will be more extreme.
What can I do?
1. Listen to your child’s concerns the day before. Don’t judge or criticize, but help them to label their feelings. Such as: “It sounds like you are afraid you’ll miss me.” Or, “Are you worrying about what is happening with Grandma?” Or, “I wonder if you’re a little jealous that your little sister gets to stay home with me and you have to go to school.”
2. Help your child cope with their feelings. Such as: “I understand you’ll be sad for a few minutes. I’ll miss you too, but I’ll look forward to seeing you at the end of the day.” Or, “Someone is taking care of Grandma, and she wants to know you’re in school.” Or, “But the nice thing about being the older sister is that you get to stay up fifteen extra minutes at bedtime.”
3. Other ways to help with coping: Send a picture with your child of you or the family. Send in a small object that will remind her or him of you. Put a little note in the lunch box or backpack—as simple as “I (heart) You.”
4. Your child’s teacher, principal and counselor will help develop a plan for a good transition if necessary.
5. If all else fails say, “It’s the law!” Do whatever you have to do to deliver your child to school and we will take over from there.
Remember:
1. It does get better eventually. And most children are fine as soon as you are out the door.
2. Expect and prepare for more difficulty on Mondays, especially after long weekends and after vacations.