Ms. Denise Ryan Lenihan

DATE VIOLENCE

Today one in three teenagers will experience physical, social, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse by another person in a dating relationship.  The majority of date violence victims are females.

TYPES OF ABUSE

Emotional abuse - name calling, putting you down, stopping you from seeing your friends and family, wants to know where you are at all times and/or makes threatening statements.

Physical abuse - hitting, pushing or punching, breaking/smashing things or driving dangerously to scare you.

Sexual abuse - forcing you to have sex against your will.

POWER and CONTROL

Unhealthy Relationship  

• Isolation
• Intimidation
• Threats
• Emotional abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Using male privilege              

  Healthy Relationship

• Honesty and accountability
• Trust and support
• Respect
• Negotiation and fairness
• Non-threatening behavior

JEALOUSY

• Dating violence often begins with jealousy
• Initally jealousy may feel like a compliment
• "I am really valued to have this person respond in such a manner"
• Believes jealously, possessiveness is romantic
• Jealously is not love
• As time goes on, the jealousy can become more controlling

FLATTERY

  Increased Self Esteem

• "You are pretty"
• "You are smart"
• "People really like you"
• "You have a lot of friends"
• "You make people feel good"
• "You are a really good dresser"
• "You have great taste in clothes"
• "You understand people"
• "People listen to you"
• "You have great ideas"
• "You are funny"
• "Your hot"
• "Your are the only person who understand me"
• "We have something very special, no else has"

INSULTS

  Decreased Self Esteem

• "You aren't good looking"
• "You are stupid"
• "No one likes you"
• "You don't have friends"
• "People don't like being around you"
• "You look terrible"
• "How could you wear that? It's ugly"
• "You don't know know what you are talking about"
• "No one listens to you"  "No one cares what you think"
• "Your not even funny, your embarrassing"
• "NO one wants to be with you"
• "No one will ask you out"

   HEALTHY                VS.              UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

• Caring for yourself                            Neglecting yourself
• Respect individuality                         Pressure to change
• Being with family and friends             Being with only one person
• Listens to what you have to say         Feels unheard
• Trust/honest                                      Lies
• Respects privacy                               No personal space
• Sexual boundaries                             No boundaries
• Resolves conflicts                              Yells, hits, shoves and/or throws items
• Positive growth                                  Stifled/trapped

WHY TEEN DATING VIOLENCE IS HIDDEN

• Teenagers are inexperienced with dating relationships
• Teenagers are pressured by peers to have dating relationships
• Teenagers want independence from parents
• Teenagers have romanticized views of love

INFLUENCE

  Teen dating violence is influenced by how teenagers look at themselves and others.

  Females Believe

• They are responsible for solving the problems in the relationship
• Their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and enven physical abuse is viewed as "romantic"
• It appears normal, friends or family members are being abused
• There is no one to ask for help

  Males Believe

• They have the right to "control" their partner
• They have the right to "possess" their partner
• They have the right to be  physically aggressive
• They have the right to demand intimacy
• They feel they may lose respect from peers if they are attenftive and supportive of their partner

WARNING SIGNS

• Your boyfriend makes you feel guilty all the time
• Your boyfrind puts you down around others
• Calls you names that are hurtful/degrading
• Your boyfriend yells at you
• Your boyfriend slaps, pushes, hits or threatens to hurt you
• Takes or controls your money
• Insists you don't go to places without him, choses the places you are to go
• Does not want you to be with family or your  friends
• Forces you to use alcohol/drugs
• Drives fast to scare you

RISK FACTORS

•  Prior exposure to violence as a child
•  Preceived as normal behavior
• Sadness
• Depression
• Alcohol consumption
• Harassment by peers

PATTERN

• The abuser hurts the partner emotionally or physically - apologizes, they may even cry - promises never to do it again - buys a gift for the victim - everything appears alright - then REPEATS the emotional and or physical behavior
• Teens who are victimized by partners are more likely to smoke, binge drink, use drugs or have eating disorders

BILL OF DATING RIGHTS

• Trust yourself
• Not to be abused physically, emotionall or sexually
• "Fall out of love" with someone and live with no threats
• Grow as an individual in your own way and not be criticized
• Accept responsibility for my own behavior and no one else's
• Ability to change your mind
• Ability to make your own decisions
• Resolve differences in a healthy manner
• Have friends of your own
• Spend time with family and friends
• Say "NO"
• Maintain trust/honesty
• Be respected and cared about

COMMON SIGNS OF ABUSE

• Your friend no longer spends time with friends and or family
• You noice bruises on your friend
• Your friend is absent from school frequently
• Your friend is failing
• Your friend has changes in mood or personality
• Your friend starts to use drugs/alcohol
• Your friend has emotional outbursts

WHAT CAN YOU DO

  The person being abused or the person's friend should:

• TELL SOMEONE
• Speak with a parent
• Talk to the guidance counselor
• Talk to the school nurse
• Talk to a teacher
• HOTLINE: 1-800-799-safe

DATING SAFETY

• Know the exact plans for the date, make sure a parent or a friend knows the plans
• Let your date know you are expected to call someone (a friend) when you arrive home
• Consider double-dating the first few times
• Don't drink or do drugs
• Trust your INSTINCTS, uncomfortable, remain calm, CALL someone

ONLINE DATING

• Do not give your real name, address, phone number or location
• Give very little information about yourself
• Do not put your picture on the web
• Do not put another persons picture on the web, unless you have that persons permission
• Do not curse on the web (language could be misinterpreted)
• DO NOT MEET THE PERSON FROM THE CHAT ROOM

TERMS

• Harassment - words, gestures, actions that make you feel uncomfortable
• Sexual Harassment - unwanted sexually oriented physical act
• Verbal Sexual Harassment - offecsive words and comments
• Non Verbal Sexual Harassment - staring, obscene gestures, sexual remarks written and or internet
• Sexual Assault - an intentional sexual attack against another person
• Date Rape - forcing sexual behavior on a date
• Acquaintance Rape - Forced sexual behavior by someone the victim knows

DATE RAPE DRUGS

• Rohypnol - (Flunitrazepam) Central Nervous System depressent (equivalent to ten valium)
• GHB - (Gamma Hydroxvutyrate) Central Nervous System depressent, used in body building
• Special K (Ketamine) anesthetic, delirium and or amnesia

PROTECTING YOURSELF

• Home -keep lights in all entrances, keep windows and doors locked, know your neighbors
• Street - be aware of your surroundings, walk in well lite areas, don't walk in dark places, walk at a steady pace, head up, don't carry a lot of items
• Transportation - check the back seat of the car before getting into the cafr, do not fall asleep on a bus, train or limo.
• BODY BASICS - clap hands over ears, pull hair, elbows or fists aim for face/head, kick genital (as hard as you can-ALL THE FORCE YOU HAVE)
• MAKE NOISE - BE LOUD - YELL VERY LOUD - YELL FIRE

UNARMED ASSAULT

• YELL loud
• KICK as hard as you can
• HIT as hard as you can
• RUN very fast when able 

ARMED ASSAULT

• VOMIT - place hand in back of mouth to vomit
• TALK - Police, family member coming, you have a STD
• RUN - when able run very fast

WHAT TO IF AN ATTACK OCCURS

• Do not take a shower
• Go to the Emergency Room at the nearest hospital or clinic
• Be examined
• Obtain specimens: blood, skin, semen, urine, hair and clothing fibers
• Report case
• Obtain evidence
• This is the first step in addressing a sexual assault
• Meet medical needs

SEXUAL ASSAULT FEARS

• Attack occurring again
• Being blamed
• Dark
• Being alone
• Pregnancy
• Sexually Transmitted Disease
• Men
• Death

HEALING

• Counseling (address fears)
• Meet medical needs
• Medication if needed
• Ventilation
• Group Therapy
• Defense classes
• Meditation and yoga classes
• Write letters to their attacker (even if never identified)
• Write poetry
• Draw/paint
• Some individuals chose to meet with their attacker in a protected monitored enviornment
• The 3 Y's of healing    IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT     YOU ARE NOT ALONE     YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK

SURVIV0RS

     Rape victims perfer to be called and known as SURVIVORS