If a child lives with approval, he learns to live with himself."
Dorothy Law Nolte
Positive Communication
Positive communication is a tool to reinforce good behavior and eliminate bad
behavior; it builds self-esteem and inspires confidence in children. And it's
easy — once you get the hang of it! Children's feelings of esteem are very
highly influenced by their interaction and relationship with their parents.
All children need to feel loved and accepted, and you can communicate those
feelings to your children by the way you speak.
Once you develop the habit of consistent positive reinforcement at home,
you'll see that communicating is easier, and you will also be helping your
son or daughter learn to communicate with the outside world. By the time they
are in elementary school, kids need the self-esteem boost gained when
positive reinforcement is in practice.
Rules of the road
Face your child and maintain eye contact.
Always allow your child to finish talking and complete his statements.
"Labeling is disabling" — label the behavior instead of the child.
Incorrect: "Billy, you are a bad boy." Correct: "Billy, it is irresponsible
to leave your toys all over the place."
Help your child learn to talk positively.
Try to start your statements with a reinforcer, such as, "Sara, you are a
very bright girl; now, let's talk about the best way to get your homework
finished." People are more responsive to positive statements, but make sure
your compliments are truthful. Children, as well as adults, will see through
false flattery.
Correcting behavior
In the book Meta-Emotion: How Families Communicate Emotionally, by John M.
Gottman, Lynn Fainsilber Katz, and Carole Hooven, the authors discuss
educator and psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott's basic plan for positive
reinforcement. The four basic parts are:
Recognize and acknowledge the child's wish.
State the limit calmly and clearly.
Point out ways that her wish may be partially fulfilled.
Help the child express the resentment that arises when limits are imposed. "I
know you would like to watch the TV show now, but we will tape it and you can
watch it after your homework."
