Parenting

When to Discipline 

I met a man on the airplane who passed on some great advice. He said that he 
memorized the following rhyme. It played in his head many times as he raised 
his family. He said that every time he forgot to apply this wisdom he was 
disappointed with how he handled a situation. 

Here it is: 
"Never discipline in anger.
Never discipline in haste.
Save it for some happy day,
When both are feeling great." 
One of the essential skills of Love and Logic® parents is to delay discipline 
long enough to cool down, think it over, seek advice if necessary, and 
deliver the consequence when both the adult and child are in the thinking 
mode. 

Thanks for reading!
Jim Fay


Reminders: Why They Aren't Always a Good Thing 

If you've been around Love and Logic® for any time at all, you already know 
that I'm not a big fan of giving kids repeated warnings and reminders. In 
fact, some of you may be getting a little sick of how many times I've 
reminded you about this. I nag folks not to give warnings and reminders 
because it's such an easy trap to fall into…and it can do so much damage. 

Even with all of my passion over the subject, I find myself forgetting that… 

My kids already know most of the things I'm reminding them about.

Reminding them anyway sends the message that they are incapable of using 
their brains.

When I get reminded and warned about things I already know, it ticks me off. 
Then I often act like a jerk.

When I give repeated warnings and reminders, it trains my kids to need 
repeated warnings and reminders.

They're probably going to have a hard time finding bosses who like to nag 
them to get their work done. 

In my new book, Parenting Kids To Become the People Employers Really Want 
and… America Desperately Needs! I provide a variety of practical parenting 
practices that up the odds of raising kids who’ll become highly successful in 
the workforce. One tip goes as follows: 

Set the limit once and follow through with empathy and actions…rather than 
warnings and reminders. 

We can build a far stronger nation…and economy…by preparing our children to 
be self-managed rather than addicted to nagging. 

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay


List of Perfect Consequences? 

Have you ever thought to yourself, "There is supposed to be a logical 
consequence for every one of my kid's misdeeds? The experts must be hiding 
the list somewhere." 

It might make you feel better to know that there is often no logical 
consequence available. Or, if there is one, its effect won't show up for 
several years. Wracking our brain to find a consequence usually means that a 
logical consequence is not available. 

We often reject the best consequence. 

We often recognize the correct consequence in a split second. Then we tend to 
reject it in hopes of finding something that will teach the lesson in a more 
gentle way. 

When a parent thinks, "Oh, I don't want him to get a lower grade," that's the 
correct consequence. When a parent thinks, "Oh, I don't want her to have to 
pay for that cell phone bill," that is the correct consequence. When a parent 
thinks "Oh, I don't want him to have to…" that is the right consequence. 

Sometimes there is no logical consequence available. 

If the words, "Oh, I don't want…" just don't come to mind, don't waste time 
looking for a logical consequence. You have just recognized that there is 
probably no reasonable consequence. This is the time to apply the Love and 
Logic Generic Consequence, known as Energy Drain. 

Parents who learn to use Energy Drain don’t need a list of consequences. They 
simply use the technique as a generic consequence. Kids can make a logical 
connection between their deeds and the need to make restitution. 

Thanks for reading, 
Jim Fay


Let Them Figure It Out 

Some day your kids are going to need to figure things out for themselves. 
Wouldn't it be unfortunate if they found themselves in a dangerous or 
tempting situation when they get their first opportunity? 

Universities report that this is often the case. Young adults are known to 
speed dial their parents, hand the cell phone to officials and say, "Talk to 
my mom. She will straighten this out." 

Don't pass up an opportunity to give your kids practice figuring things out 
for themselves while they are still young. It's tempting in this fast-paced 
world to do things that kids could do for themselves. It's quicker, we're 
pressed for time, and it feels so good to help them. 

But the bad news is that many parents pass up opportunity after opportunity 
to say, "I bet you can figure that out. Give it a try; I'll be here later if 
you need some help." Those parents put their kids at risk for believing 
unstated messages that say, "I have to do this because you are not capable." 

Thanks for reading, 
Jim Fay 


Tough Teachers: Why Your Kids Need at Least One 

While the vast majority of educators deserve great praise for their patience, 
care and competence, most of us have known at least one who scowled instead 
of smiled, yelled instead of whispered, and pointed out our weaknesses 
instead of our strengths. 

As parents, it's tempting to rescue our kids from such teachers…to demand 
that our kids be moved to another class. 

My parents felt this temptation when I was in the third grade. 

I still regard Mrs.___________(name deleted to protect the guilty) as one of 
the most negative, demanding, and cold people I've ever met. 

She did me a great favor! 

After the first week of school, my mom and dad patted me on the back and 
said, "You are so lucky. This year you're going to learn how to do something 
that plenty of adults haven't learned yet! This year you're going to learn 
all about how to get along with really tough people. We will help you with 
ideas." 

I wasn’t impressed! But they were right! 

When your kids meet Mrs. ____________, will you give them this gift…or steal 
it from them? 

Thanks for reading! 
Dr. Charles Fay 


Positive Reinforcement: Examples and Cautions 

If you've followed Love and Logic® for any period of time, you know how 
strongly we believe in holding youngsters accountable for their mistakes and 
misdeeds. As most of us have learned the hard way, the road to wisdom and 
responsibility is paved with plenty of small mistakes and their consequences. 

As we go about shaping the hearts and minds of our children, it's important 
to remember that this road is also paved with positives. While it's 
unrealistic…and not too healthy…to reward our kids every time they do 
something good, we're wise to remember the value of reinforcing good behavior 
and good deeds. 

The healthiest and most powerful types of reinforcement involve time and 
attention rather than stuff. Examples include: 
Sitting on the floor with your toddler as you allow them to repeatedly 
destroy your tower of blocks

Noticing something your teen has done well and patting them on the back

Saying to your child, "It looks like you really worked hard on that. I bet 
you're proud of yourself."

Playing catch

Doing a puzzle together

Etc.
As we provide reinforcement, it's wise to remember the following: 
Reinforcement is more powerful when it comes as a surprise to our kids.

Reinforcement loses its power when our youngsters come to expect it.

Rewards should not be given every time our kids do something good.

When our kids beg for or demand rewards, they shouldn't get them.

Avoid saying, "You are so smart." Focus on your child's hard work and 
perseverance.

Your love should never be used as a reward or a consequence. Your children 
should have it all of the time.
The most successful parents always remember that it's their job to give their 
kids the most accurate taste of the real world as possible. This means that 
we help them understand that much of the time hard work and good deeds 
provide positive results. It also means helping them understand that we do 
these good things because they’re the right thing to do…rather than because 
we expect rewards for doing them. 

Thanks for reading! 
Dr. Charles Fay 


Does Your Family Suffer from Over-Scheduling Disorder (OSD)? 

For many families, parenting has become an F-4 tornado, characterized by a 
frenzied whirlwind of activity. 

This is not good for kids…or anybody else! 

Much of this chaos has evolved out of the misguided belief that children must 
be entertained or "stimulated" each and every millisecond of each and every 
day. While pop psychologists may think this is wise, the rest of us ought to 
know better. Kids who never have an opportunity to rest, relax and get a bit 
bored, come to believe that life and relationships should always be exciting 
and fun. They also miss opportunities to develop creativity and problem-
solving skills. 

If you answer "yes" to any of the following statements, you and your kids 
probably suffer from OSD: 
You're completely worn out from trying to help your kids participate in all 
of your activities


Your kids appear anxious, irritable, stressed, exhausted or hyperactive


Your kids don't have enough time to contribute to the family by doing their 
chores


Your kids complain about being bored any time they aren't being entertained
Although there's no medicinal cure for OSD, we can protect our families by 
giving ourselves permission to say "no" to too many activities. My personal 
advice as someone who's experienced this debilitating disorder is to trust 
your gut. 

If you have any sense that your kids are overscheduled, trust your intuition.

Also be prepared to repeat, "I love you too much to argue" when your kids 
complain about being bored. In our book Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Leave 
You Speechless, we give specific tips for kids who are going through 
withdrawal from the drug of over-activity. 

Thanks for reading! 
Dr. Charles Fay 


Say "No" by Saying "Yes" to Something Else 

"No" seems to be the most dreaded word in the English language. Kids hate to 
hear it almost as much as adults! There's nothing that starts a fight faster 
than the simple sound of this teeny, tiny two-letter word. 

The world is full of "No's." That's why preparing kids for the real world 
requires that we deny their requests from time to time. 

But how do we say "No" without finding ourselves in constant battles? By 
saying "Yes" to something else! 

Instead of: No, I'm not taking you until your chores are done.

Try: Sure! I will take you when your chores are done.

Rather than: No. I am not paying $200 for a pair of sneakers.

Experiment with: I want you to have those. The ones I was planning on buying 
cost $25. I'll provide that amount.

Instead of: No. You are not watching rated R movies.

Try: Renting a movie is a great idea. Find a G rated one, and we'll pop some 
popcorn tonight.

Give this little tip a try…and enjoy fewer battles with your kids! 

Thanks for reading! 
Dr. Charles Fay 


When's It Okay for Adult Kids to Live at Home? 

Most of us can agree that far too many adult kids are allowed to develop 
Perpetual Peter Pan Syndrome by their parents. In plainer language, their 
parents allow them to live at home, never expecting them to grow up. 

With this said, there are some circumstances under which it's perfectly fine 
to help our kids by allowing them to live under our roofs for a limited 
amount of time. Listed below are some questions designed to help parents 
decide whether to continue helping out…or to gently yet firmly ease them out 
of the nest. The more "yes" answers you provide, the more likely that it's 
okay to help them out for a while. 

Is my child working harder on his/her life than I am?
As soon as you start working harder than they do, you begin to steal their 
maturity and self-respect. 

Is my child respectful and appreciative?
I'm amazed at how many parents help adult children who treat them like 
garbage. 

Is my child making real financial or sweat-related contributions to the home?
Adult children must do their fair share of chores AND pay rent in the form of 
cash payments or plenty of extra, meaningful chores. 

Does my child understand that our house is not a low-rent motel?
Never help if your child thinks they can party, come and go at all hours of 
the night, or treat you like a maid. 

In their book From Innocence to Entitlement, Jim Fay and Dawn Billings 
discuss how to recognize when your kids are developing a dangerous sense of 
entitlement, as well as what to do if they are. This book is a must-read for 
any parent who finds them self saying "No" to any of the questions listed 
above. 

Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay