Self-regulated, Self-controlled Kids: The Key to a Free America
America…land of the free. What a glorious thing! What a fragile thing.
Connected at the hip are freedom and self-control. Like the flower and the honeybee, neither can survive without the other. The blossoming freedoms of our great country were spread on the feet and wings of those who understood that the lifeblood of liberty is self-discipline.
Are our kids learning self-regulation, or are they growing into adults dependent upon external regulation?
Are current educational policies more concerned with promoting self-regulation and self-control, or are they mostly concerned with ensuring that students can regurgitate the right type and amount of information at the right time?
The ability to handle freedom is learned. It's learned largely through…
- the freedom to make plenty of choices that don't affect the welfare of others.
To prepare for the massive choices they will face when they leave our homes and classrooms our kids must start practicing right now.
- the freedom to make mistakes.
The "price tag" of mistakes goes up every day. It's far better that they make them now…rather than when the consequences are life and death.
- being held accountable with empathy.
The seeds of self-regulation, self-control and personal responsibility grow only when children are held accountable for their choices…and only when they feel loved by those doing so.
- experiencing the safety of consistent and caring limits.
Children learn self-control only when adults provide caring, consistent and enforceable limits.
- enjoying the safety and security of calm homes and classrooms.
The brain is far more likely to develop emotional self-regulation and self-control in calm environments. Does your home, classroom or school provide this opportunity for growth, or is it plagued by disruptive behavior and negative emotions?
If you love freedom… and love the idea of creating kids who can handle it… join Jim Fay, Bob Sornson, Ph.D., Foster W. Cline, M.D., and me for three fun-filled, rejuvenating days in Denver, Colorado. I guarantee an amazing experience.
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.
Dr. Charles Fay
_________________________________________________________
Building Children's Self-Confidence
Helping students develop self-confidence requires a special kind of love that can be expressed daily by:
- Allowing kids to wrestle with tying their shoes…instead of automatically jumping in and doing it for them.
- Letting them dress themselves…even if the clothes they choose don't match.
- Teaching them how to talk to their teachers about problems at school…rather than always doing it for them.
- Expecting that they speak up and order meals for themselves…instead of ordering for them.
- Having them call the insurance company and arrange for their own car insurance…instead of doing it all for them.
- Letting them do most of the work required to fill out their college applications…rather than preparing all of the paperwork for them.
- Remembering that the more things they learn to do for themselves, the stronger and more confident they will become!
The Logic Won't Happen Without the Love
How do we help our kids develop the type of cause-effect logic that leads to good decision-making? Is it by showing them how tough we are, or is it by showing them how much we love them as they experience the tough consequences of their poor decisions?
Our anger allows kids to blame us for the consequences
of their poor decisions.
Our loving empathy forces them to blame themselves
for these consequences.
If we're forgetting our sincere empathy, it will increase the odds that they'll lack the logical, commonsense reasoning required to stay safe in today's complex world.
Some reminders…
- Lock in the empathy first!
Before describing consequences, do your best to establish a sincere love connection with your child. Whenever appropriate, pair your words (e.g. "This is so sad.") with caring eye contact and touch.
This also applies to setting limits. Before saying, "You may have that toy when you can afford it," take a moment to show your love.
- Delay the consequence when you're too angry to be empathetic.
People who use Love and Logic aren't always sweet and sappy. Sometimes they put some steel in their voices and say, "I'm too angry right now to make a good decision about what you've done. We'll talk about it when I'm calm."
- When it's over, it's over.
There are few things more damaging to any relationship than taking out the trash…and then throwing it back inside through an open window! When kids experience consequences we must resist the urge to rub salt in the wounds by lecturing after the fact.
- Use as few words as possible.
The most effective people use very few words when things are going wrong.
___________________________________________________________
Chores at Home = More Success at School
Is it difficult to get your kids to help around the house? Do you have to pay them to do the dishes, clean their room, etc? This week, Dr. Charles Fay provides some easy to use techniques to get your kids to do their chores without paying, begging, or bribing them.
Ask any veteran educator, and they'll agree:
Kids who are used to doing chores at home…without reminders, without pay, and without arguing…are far more respectful and motivated at school.
So…how's a parent actually get stubborn kids to do their fair share without resorting to begging, bribery, or full-scale warfare?
Listed below are some brief tips:
- When you see your kids working hard on a chore, offer to help them as long as they still work harder than you do. This rewards their hard work, gives you an opportunity to bond with them, and ups the odds that they'll be willing to help you when you are old and feeble.
- Give reasonable deadlines rather than saying, "Do it now!" Saying, "Just have it done by ________," has an added benefit: it gives you plenty of time to figure out what you will do if they refuse or forget to do the chore.
- Don't threaten, nag, remind, or warn. Just let them blow it.
- Lock in the empathy and expect them to repay you for your time by doing some of your chores, staying home instead of being driven somewhere, etc.
Thanks for your reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay
____________________________________________________________________________________
Shaping Self-Concept teaches a very special type of love. It's the type that allows our kids to struggle…lets them work through their trials…and guides them toward independence instead of insecurity.
This love can be expressed daily by:
- Allowing kids to wrestle with tying their shoes…instead of automatically jumping in and doing it for them.
- Letting them dress themselves…even if the clothes they choose don't match.
- Teaching them how to talk to their teachers about problems at school…rather than always doing it for them.
- Expecting that they speak up and order meals for themselves…instead of ordering for them.
- Having them call the insurance company and arrange for their own car insurance…instead of doing it all for them.
- Letting them do most of the work required to fill out their college applications…rather than preparing all of the paperwork for them.
- Remembering that the more things they learn to do for themselves, the stronger and more confident they will become!
In Shaping Self-Concept you'll hear even more tips for helping your kids develop the type of unselfish and humble confidence required to enjoy success in life. You'll also hear how this confidence dramatically increases a child's motivation to do well in school.
Isn't it ironic that our kids have to face some tough times in order to live confident, joyful lives?
Thanks for your reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible.
Dr. Charles Fay
________________________________________________________
Techniques Don't Change Lives…Sincere RelationshipsDo
I'll never forget the first time I tried to use a Love and Logic "technique" on my wife. We were having a bit of marital tension that had evolved into a small argument. I can't remember what the spat was all about…probably because I was doing such a lousy job listening in the first place. I do remember going through my mental menu of techniques, considering which would be best to use on her.
Out of my mouth came a rather mechanical and insincere version of, "I love you too much to argue."
She wasn't impressed! In fact, she banned me from ever using "Love and Logic" on her again.
Is it true that the condition of our heart determines the impact of our actions? At the precise time of this incident, was my heart filled with sincere love and empathy, or was this squelched by my desire to control my wife?
Is it possible that many of the interpersonal frustrations we experience in life boil down to our attempts to control others with techniques, instead of building sincere relationships? Is it also possible that focusing on techniques enables some of us to insulate ourselves from the messy yet extremely rewarding intimacy achieved through such relationships?
There's nothing wrong with techniques or skills, as long as they're used within the context of love.
__________________________________________________
Keeping it Simple
Do great parents use a large variety of good parenting skills? Not typically!
Great parents don't overwhelm themselves by trying to use every trick in the book. Instead, they rely on a small number of skills yet apply them with consistency.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by your kids, could it be that you're trying too hard to do too many things? Might it be time to get back to the bare basics?
What are these "bare basics"? Listed below are the top three I've observed from my experience with thousands of truly great parents and educators:
They demonstrate unconditional warmth and love.
Kids feel this magical type of love when their parents spend plenty of time with them, when their parents focus on their strengths, and when their parents display empathy instead of anger or sarcasm when things go wrong.
Their "yes" is always "yes" and their "no" is always "no."
Great parents are extremely careful to set only the limits they know they can enforce. They remember this important rule for setting limits:
Never tell a stubborn child what to do.
Instead, describe what you will do or allow.
Would you like your kids to believe that every word you say is important?
They allow their kids to experience the logical and natural consequences of their decisions.
Isn't it hard to watch our kids struggle with the consequences of their mistakes? While it breaks our hearts at times, allowing them to learn in this way gives them a tremendous advantage as they grow. They develop respect, responsibility, and a good grasp of good old-fashioned common sense.
The key, of course, is to display empathy rather than anger. If you ever find this difficult, listen to our audio: Keeping Cool When Parenting Heats Up.
Raising great kids really can be a joy when we remember that we don't have to overcomplicate parenting with too many skills and too much theory. Keep it simple and enjoy your kids.
_________________________________________________
Love & Logic tips on Making Life and Death Decisions
Does it seem to you that this world gets faster paced and more complicated each and every day? Compared to people a generation ago, are we faced with far more decisions and temptations than ever before in history? What will the world look like when our kids get there? Will the decisions they face be simpler…or far more difficult? Will the consequences of their decisions be smaller, or will they be a lot larger…often life and death?
Clearly, the world is becoming more temptation-laden every day. That's why it's more important than ever for kids to experience the type of parenting that helps them learn how to make good choices about serious issues. Providing this type of parenting hinges on our awareness of the following:
Kids learn to make great decisions about big and critically important matters by making plenty of poor decisions about small and relatively unimportant matters… and by experiencing the natural and logical consequences.
Are your children making enough affordable mistakes?
Are you allowing them to experience the consequences instead of rescuing them?
Are you holding them accountable with love and empathy…instead of anger, frustration, or lectures?
If you answered "yes" to all three of these questions, the odds are high that your children will have a good enough grasp of cause and effect to survive when life and death decisions come knocking on their door.
Perhaps you know a teen or young adult who wasn’t given this opportunity when the "price tag" of mistakes was small. Can their lives end up becoming chronically sad…or even tragic…when they eventually enter the real world and find themselves grappling with tough decisions? Each year we hear about far too many of these kids on the nightly news.
__________________________________________________
When Kids Interrupt: Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic®Experts
Kids should not be allowed to interrupt their parents.
When children are allowed to control whether or not their parents converse, they're at great risk for developing the notion that they have more importance and power in the family than their parents. While we believe that children should be given plenty of love and attention, we know that kids who believe that the world revolves around them…well…grow up to be adults who believe that the world revolves around them.
Part of the solution involves being very careful to avoid interrupting them when it's their turn to speak. In my book,Parenting Kids To Become the People Employers Really Want and America Desperately Needs!I discuss the immense power of modeling. Kids who learn these skills via example enjoy far happier lives as adults.
Another piece of the puzzle involves setting and enforcing clear limits. Some parents experiment by calmly yet firmly saying, "I will listen to you when I am done talking with Dad."
When children continue to interrupt anyway, there must be a consequence delivered with loving empathy. Many possibilities exist. Perhaps the simplest involves doing your best to finish the conversation…then calmly saying, "This is so sad. You interrupted us when we were trying to talk. Now we don’t have the energy to do the things you wanted us to do today."
One couple commented on their unique strategy:
Our kids had gotten so bad about interrupting us that we decided to hire a baby sitter…at their expense. We said to them, "This is such a bummer. You guys haven't been letting us talk. Now we need to go out and get all of our talking done. You'll be staying with Mrs. B. She's going to ask you how you plan to pay her for her time." After we did this one time, our kids were far more careful when we said, "We'll listen when we are done talking."
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit,forward it to a friend.
Dr. Charles Fay
Video and Computer Games: Often Not so Good for Kids
Weekly Tip from the Love and Logic® Experts
"My typically nice and responsible kid turns into a monster after he plays his computer games."
If you've noticed this same thing with your kids, you're not alone. Listed below are some thoughts about why this is so common, as well as actions we can take to protect our kids:
Understand that Electronic Games can be Extremely Addictive
Since most of these games operate according to variable schedules of reinforcement (the user cannot entirely predict when something exciting will happen) our kids get hooked into thinking that they have to play "just a little bit longer" each time.
Even educational games present these risks. To grab the attention of the learner, our kids' favorite games are highly entertaining…and stimulating. Is it any wonder that kids who spend too much time glued to these games find everything else boring?
Real life is always a downer when you're hooked on electronic uppers.
The symptoms of withdrawal also indicate the addictive nature of these games: Irritability, extreme moodiness, and attempts to get a "fix" even if it requires manipulating and mistreating those who love you the most.
Set Enforceable Limits
Children under 5 should spend almost no time playing video games, computer games, or watching television. Again, this also applies to educational games and shows. Older children shouldn't spend more that 15-30 minutes per day engaged in these activities. Wise parents set the following limit:
I allow video games, computer games, or TV in our home
only when they are causing no problems.
Wise parents don't hesitate to remove these items from the home when "problems" begin. For more tips, listen to our MP3 download, Taming the Technology Monster in Your Home.
Replace Electronic Screens with Loving Relationships
Kids don't miss their computers and TVs near as much when they have parents who spend plenty of time with them playing catch, riding bikes, sledding, and doing other sorts of good old-fashioned things that build relationships.
_______________________________________________________
Questions Create Thinking
At Love and Logic® we believe that kids are best prepared for the real world when we allow them to do as much thinking as possible. It's good practice for the real world, and it keeps the monkey off of our backs most of the time.
Here's the problem. Do you know kids who like to keep adults doing all of the thinking? Do you know kids who are good at tricking us into doing so?
How do we avoid falling into this trap? One strategy involves using plenty of questions!
The more questions we ask,
the better thinkers our kids will become.
People who understand Love and Logic also understand that the human brain seeks closure. When we use plenty of questions, children's brains are so busy searching for closure that they have less energy left over for power-struggles.
The more questions we ask,
the fewer power-struggles we will have.
Kids grow the healthiest and strongest brains when they're fortunate to spend time around adults who say things like:
"I don't know. What do you think?"
"Are you sure that's the best idea?"
"How do you think that's going to work out for you?"
"Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?"
"Do you think that's going to work out well or ________?"
"What do you think you are going to do?"
"Which one of these is the best solution to your problem?"
"Do you have enough money to pay for any possible damage?"
"Is that a wise decision?"The Power of Positive Feelings
____________________________________________________
The Power of Positive Feelings
I love the smell of burnt toast! That aroma…coupled with the odor of overcooked coffee…always leaves a warm feeling in my heart.
I once met a woman who loved the sound of trains. In fact, she loved this sound so much that she purchased a house near the tracks…so that she could experience the bone-rattling rumbles and blaring horns 24 hours a day.
Like this woman, I learned to love something because of the unconscious associations I developed through my experience as a child. Every time I went to my loving grandparents' home, my grandmother managed to burn the toast…and burn the coffee. This woman had a similar experience. Her loving grandmother lived…you guessed it…next to the train tracks.
The power of positive feelings is immense! When our kids experience love and joy coupled with chores…they associate doing chores with positive feelings.
When they experience warmth and affection coupled with learning…they come to associate academics with positive feelings.
When they feel our joy as we parent or educate them, they’re far more likely to live a life filled with excitement and motivation instead of apprehension and apathy.
Sometimes I get shortsighted. Sometimes I forget all of this. Sometimes I allow myself to get cross and short and impatient, thinking that somehow my negativity will inspire my kids to cheerfully learn and complete their daily duties. I forget all of this when I don’t take good care of myself.
_________________________________________________________________
When Kids of Divorce Say, "Dad lets me."
Fortunately, kids who go back and forth between Mom's house and Dad's can grow into healthy adults…if their divorced parents can avoid getting sucked into the trap of trying to control what they can't.
Far too often divorced parents waste tremendous amounts of energy…and create unnecessary tension…by trying to control the "ex."
Since kids are designed to test the security of limits, they often feed right into this trap by saying things like, "Dad lets me."
Smart parents know that kids are capable of adjusting to different styles of parenting, and that children will eventually…as adults…come to respect the parent who is the healthiest.
When their child says something like, "Mom gives me candy before dinner," these wise parents don't call their ex and accuse. They don't complain about their ex in front of the child. They don't get angry. They just smile and answer, "You noticed that your parents are different. I allow dessert after dinner."
____________________________________________________________
HELPING UNMOTIVATED KIDS
Helping unmotivated kids is one of the most complex challenges we face as educators and parents. Therefore, giving a quick and easy solution in less than 300 words would be impossible…and downright irresponsible.
In approximately 99% of cases, the child's lack of motivation results from far more than simple laziness or a conscious desire to act out. The roots of apathy go far deeper, into feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness, lack of control, or loss. The majority of these feelings lay at the subconscious level, where they wreak havoc on a child's ability to engage in higher-level thinking tasks, such as sustained attention to detail, problem-solving, memory, perseverance, and self-control.
This is why punishing children for getting bad grades usually backfires. Since they are already feeling bad about life, how is making them feel worse about it going to get them motivated to succeed?
In my new book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life!, I teach a variety of alternative strategies for getting at the roots of apathy…rather than making it worse with anger, lectures, threats and punishments. At the core of what we teach is the importance of loving kids for who they are…rather than who we want them to be. Yes! The healing process begins when we end the power struggle by saying, "We will love you no matter how well or poorly you do in school. Your grades are your grades…not ours. That's why we are no longer going to fight with you about them. Just let us know how we can help."
Thanks for reading! Our goal is to help as many families as possible. If this is a benefit, forward it to a friend.
Dr. Charles Fay
_________________________________________________
Why saying, "Just try it, it's easy" isn’t a good idea
Has someone ever said to you, "Just try it, it's easy!" and then you found-out the task they coaxed you into trying was painfully difficult? Did this leave you feeling exceptionally capable or downright stupid…and embarrassed?
When this happens to the average adult, it doesn't take long for them to conclude two things:
This person who's trying to help me is nuts…and definitely not to be trusted!
Why should I try if I can't even handle the easy stuff?
Quite frequently I overhear well-meaning parents and educators using the "Just try it, it's easy!" approach in an attempt to urge a reluctant child into trying something they're afraid of. When the child finds the task easy, all is right with the world. When they don't, they're confronted with the pain of seeing that they might be so slow that they can't even do something really, really "easy"!
How often does this need to happen before our kids lose faith in our word? How often does this have to happen before our children lose faith in their own abilities? Are you willing to take this sort of risk with your kids?
In my book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life!, I teach a far safer approach. Experiment with asking your child:
A lot of kids find this kind of challenging. Would you try this and let me know what you think?
If you hear, "It's too hard. I can't do it," smile, pat them on the back and ask:
Aren't you glad that I don't believe that?
"Aren't you glad that I don't believe that?" represents an exceptionally powerful way of communicating to your children that they have what it takes to succeed. Delivered in question format its effectiveness becomes supercharged. Remember: Questions create thinking. Statements create resistance.
You may also experiment with asking another question:
And…aren't you glad that I'm going to love you the same even if you have to work really hard to figure this out?
Has someone ever said to you, "Just try it, it's easy!" and then you found-out the task they coaxed you into trying was painfully difficult? Did this leave you feeling exceptionally capable or downright stupid…and embarrassed?
When this happens to the average adult, it doesn't take long for them to conclude two things:
This person who's trying to help me is nuts…and definitely not to be trusted!
Why should I try if I can't even handle the easy stuff?
Quite frequently I overhear well-meaning parents and educators using the "Just try it, it's easy!" approach in an attempt to urge a reluctant child into trying something they're afraid of. When the child finds the task easy, all is right with the world. When they don't, they're confronted with the pain of seeing that they might be so slow that they can't even do something really, really "easy"!
How often does this need to happen before our kids lose faith in our word? How often does this have to happen before our children lose faith in their own abilities? Are you willing to take this sort of risk with your kids?
In my book, From Bad Grades to a Great Life!, I teach a far safer approach. Experiment with asking your child:
A lot of kids find this kind of challenging. Would you try this and let me know what you think?
If you hear, "It's too hard. I can't do it," smile, pat them on the back and ask:
Aren't you glad that I don't believe that?
"Aren't you glad that I don't believe that?" represents an exceptionally powerful way of communicating to your children that they have what it takes to succeed. Delivered in question format its effectiveness becomes supercharged. Remember: Questions create thinking. Statements create resistance.
You may also experiment with asking another question:
And…aren't you glad that I'm going to love you the same even if you have to work really hard to figure this out?
____________________________________________________________
When Your Child Gets Teased
Does teasing end when kids graduate from elementary school? Does it stop when they move on from middle to high school? Does it magically disappear when we become adults? Or is it sadly true that most of us will encounter bullies throughout our lifetimes?
Because we can't ensure that the world will always be sweet and kind to our kids, common sense tells us that we ought to equip them with skills that allow them to cope with this sometimes less-than-considerate world. Listed below are some quick tips:
Teach them that bullies get their power from our negative emotions. The more upset we get when picked on, the more powerful mean kids feel.
Show your child how to trick bullies by pretending to be calm. If our children can learn to act calm when bullies hassle them, they become far less attractive targets.
Teach your child to confuse or bewilder bullies by responding to verbal taunts with replies like, "Thanks for noticing" or "I appreciate the feedback."
Help your child develop great social skills so that they are liked, accepted, and protected by positive peers. Kids who don't know how to relate in healthy ways often find themselves gravitating toward peers who treat them poorly.
In her book, Words Will Never Hurt Me, Sally Ogden provides practical strategies for achieving the goals stated above.