How Parents Can Help
Remove Homework Hurdles

By Barbara F. Meltz,
Boston Globe Columnist
9/19/2002

When it comes to homework, internationally renown educator Lucy Calkins is one parent who's determined to leave last year's mistakes behind, particularly her sons' practice of doing homework between instant messages.

Even though Calkins has always followed her own rule about computers (she believes they belong in public spaces in the house where adults can monitor what's on the screen, not in children's bedrooms), she was fooled into thinking that any time spent on the computer is good for children.

''I would tell myself, `At least they're reading, at least they're writing,''' she says.

She's changed her mind about that. With her sons now in eighth and 10th grades, there are new rules. Homework cannot be done in front of the computer.

''It fractures their attention,'' says Calkins.

From now on, Evan and Miles can't go online without asking permission, even if it's to do research; computer play time, including instant messaging, is limited to 30 minutes a day once homework is done, or for a break between subjects, 10 minutes at a time; and there's an honor-system log-in sheet to note start and finish time. What's more, she's hired homework police for when she's not home: a nanny whose main job is to keep them off the Internet.

''This is not a small problem,'' Calkins says with great candor. She should know. A professor at Teachers College, ColumbiaUniversity , she's the author of a best-selling book, ''Raising Lifelong Learners, A Parent's Guide'' (Addison Wesley).

Children's homework long has been the bane of family existence: A child dashes it off in 10 minutes, leaves it to the last minute, or treats each assignment like a term project. He wants you to do the homework for him, or doesn't want you to even see it. There are raised voices, tearful threats, cries of, ''I hate school! I hate you!''

Just as surely as there are ways to head off some of this at the pass, some frustration with homework is inevitable. So is homework itself: Don't waste your time wishing it away. While scattered schools may experiment with no- or limited-homework policies, the trend nationwide is for more homework, not less. Even though research is inconclusive about the relationship between homework and academic achievement, most teachers and academicians value it as a way to enhance self-discipline and consolidate learning.

Turns out, it's often parents, not students, who erect hurdles to homework.

Educator Janine Bempechat, senior research associate at the center for the Study of Human Development at BrownUniversity , says getting homework done is the single most important job children have. ''Parents who put extra-curricular activities ahead of it have it backward,'' she says. She frowns even on parents of elementary school students who send in excuse notes: ''Susie couldn't finish her homework; she had a violin lesson.''

''You buy a sackful of trouble when you do that,'' says Bempechat. ''Children need to know early on that homework is a responsibility; everything else is a privilege.'' In homes where there are constant homework struggles, simply reducing extracurricular activities often provides relief.

Parents who do homework for their children also miss the point. ''Homework is meant to be practice. That means you are allowed to make mistakes. Otherwise, how does a teacher know if a student is grasping the material?'' asks educational psychologist and learning specialist Jane M. Healy, author of ''Your Child's Growing Mind'' (Doubleday).

Also, when parents consistently do the work, a child can begin to think it's because he couldn't do it on his own. ''That can become a self-fulfilling prophesy and undermine self-esteem in the process,'' says Anne Roberston, coordinator of the National Parent Information Network, a nonprofit educational resource for parents.

There's another simple truth about homework: ''Habits get set early,'' says Bempechat. There's a right and wrong way to do homework, starting with the first assignment your child ever gets.

Establish a routine, with a set time and place. Routines can vary from child to child, but every child needs one. When: Don't just impose a schedule; work it out together, taking into consideration your family's routine and each child's temperament. At the Verrier household in Arlington, fourth-grader Sarah doesn't like homework hanging over her head; she starts it as soon as she gets home. Emily, in seventh grade, needs time to decompress; her start time is 5 p.m. Days with outside activities may have a different routine, but they need a routine nonetheless. A child in an after-school program may be expected to finish some homework there.

Where: Just because you invested in a desk and lamp and bookshelves in her bedroom doesn't mean homework will get done there; elementary students tend to prefer to do their work in the heart of the family (watch for a retreat to the bedroom in seventh or eighth grade.) The kitchen table, the rec room floor, even your big bed, is fine, as long as there's no TV or radio going, and each child has a drawer or box to store equipment. It's also OK to have siblings working around the same table, as long as they are respectful of each other. (With some children, you may need to be specific about what they can't say, for instance: ''That's so easy! I can't believe you can't do it!'')

Once a routine is established, a child should slip into it pretty quickly, says Robertson. If he has to be nagged every day, probably the routine isn't respecting his needs, he says.

Don't wait to tell the teacher about a problem. Research shows that 10 minutes of homework a day is appropriate in first or second grade (Healy advocates for kindergarteners and first-graders not to have homework), with 10-minute-a-day additional increments per grade, so that by fifth grade, there's close to an hour. That amount in fifth grade is critical, says Bempechat, because it eases the transition to the increased rigor of middle school. Bempechat is author of ''Getting Our Kids Back on Track, Educating Children for the Future'' (Jossey-Bass).

If your child takes more time than prescribed, ask other parents how long it takes their children. If many work overtime, there likely is a problem with the assignments. Get a group of parents to bring it to a teacher's attention. If only your child struggles, that's even more reason to tell the teacher immediately, says Calkins. It could indicate a learning or behavioral issue or simply be a matter of your child's learning how to organize and focus. Tricia Verrier, Sarah and Emily's mother, has met with teachers every year to discuss daughter Emily's proclivity to procrastination, and she continues to do that, even in middle school.

Offer support, generate excitement. Be available but don't hover; if your child needs you sitting next to him, something's wrong. Here's what is appropriate to do: Answer questions about how to do the work, help locate materials, type while he dictates, proofread, point out mistakes (''You might want to double check your addition in this problem.''). Your attitude definitely counts. ''Show interest, generate excitement,'' says Calkins: ''`I never knew the story of the Alamo . This is so interesting!''' That helps them grow bigger thoughts than they would on their own, she says.

Make sure your child is organized. What location is to real estate, organization is to homework. Calkins is convinced that study skills each and every day matter more than anything, including studying for a test. With that in mind, she got into nitty-gritty details with son Miles this year. She helped him organize all his paperwork with an accordion folder for handouts, down to the detail of whether the most recent handout goes at the front or back of a folder (instead of just being jammed in) and where returned tests should go (instead of being wadded up and thrown away in frustration).

Tricia Verrier, who has vowed this year to give her daughter more independence with her homework, says hassles at her house have been eased greatly by the OttosonMiddle School 's homework telephone hotline where teachers record the daily assignments. By the second day of school, it already had been a lifesaver.

''On the first day, they handed out homework agenda notebooks. The second day, Emily opened her backpack and said, `Oh, where's my homework agenda?' I was beside myself,'' says Verrier. ''I had to walk away.'' But not before she muttered, ''At least you can call the hotline.''

Some Good Ways to Discipline Children

Excerpt from Come On People: On the Path
from Victims to Victors
By Bill Cosby and Dr. Alvin Poussaint

From the show Bill Cosby Calls Out the "Dirty Laundry"

Children require structure and predictable rules. Above all, they require attention. Back in the day, parents bothered their children when they came home from school. Some parents may not have known how to do long division. They may not have known how to write or how to construct a business letter. But they knew how to prod their children because they wanted them to be something.

Parents back then might have said, "Well, what did you do today in geometry?" They may have thought isosceles was a guy from the Bible and that a hypotenuse was a big ugly animal in Africa, but they knew their kids. They would make us go upstairs, get the book, bring it down, sit with them, and go over it. And even if they didn't understand, they'd pretend to. They pretended to because they knew kids needed an education. That need hasn't changed.

Share your experience.

A wise parent or caregiver shares her wisdom. She tells children about useful social skills as well as about the need to be responsible and orderly. A child who is disciplined will be more obedient and also more organized as a student. He'll do better in school and in life. Of course he will!

Educate your children.

Good discipline is key to supporting the learning and education that our children need. Kids do better academically and are less likely to drop out if they take more responsibility for their school success. Self-disciplined people are more likely to succeed at whatever they do.

Distinguish discipline from punishment.

This is not just a word game. Discipline and punishment really are different things. Discipline may include punishment but aims for a much higher goal. Discipline includes other ways to shape a child's behavior for the long term, not just for the short term. The aim of good discipline is to teach children self-control and the difference between right and wrong, which becomes part of their inner character.

Behave the way you want your children to behave.

Children learn discipline in ways that parents need to be aware of. For instance, children will learn right and wrong by watching what their parents do. If parents lie, the kids will. If parents use racial slurs, so will the kids. If parents use violence at home, the kids will use it in the streets—the same with alcohol and drug abuse and cigarettes. This stuff starts early. We know a kid whose first words were "lousy bum," and he used them—echoing his old man—to address an Eagles wide receiver who dropped the ball in the end zone.

You parents and caregivers who don't want the kids to do these things, don't do them yourselves. That's the first step. If you have other bad habits, like being sloppy or late, don't expect the kids to be neat or on time. You can say, "Do what I say, not what I do," all you want, but when you turn your head, the kids will do what you do. Actions speak louder than words. Whatever behaviors and attitudes you want for the children, you'd better model them in your life.

 

Tone down your language.

As a parent or caregiver you should consider the language you use within the four walls of your home. Curb the yelling and the angry tone. For instance, imagine yourself at dinner. Listen to yourself say, "Pass the bread." Then ask yourself, How am I saying it? Do I should like a parent who cares? Or do I sound like a prison guard? Your kids can tell the difference.

Listen to your children.

Think about sitting down with the children in your charge and asking them—with a smile and a relaxed expression—the very simple question, "What makes you happy?" They'll be glad to answer that. And ask, "What makes you sad?" Don't even get into anger. Just ask, "What makes you sad?" And then you can deal with it from there. Try that every day, just talking to the children.

Reward good behavior.

The best kind of reward is praise. If a child usually makes a mess at the table, praise her when she doesn't make a mess. And make sure she helps to clean up the mess she does make. In this way, you are helping to reinforce the behaviors in your child that you want to continue.

Make the punishment fit the crime.

Penalties help, but they should not be excessive and should be linked with the misbehavior that you are attempting to modify. For instance, if your kid is not getting enough sleep because she is staying up too late, the penalty could be an earlier bedtime. The reward could be a compliment when she wakes up refreshed in the morning and looking like a million bucks.

Set limits wisely.

Children need limits set by parents or caregivers, often to protect them. You can't let your kid run out into the street where he might get smacked by a car. You restrain him and say very firmly, "No, no—dangerous. You can get hit by a car!" There is no need to spank. You took the time to explain, and you were firm. With repetition, the child will get the message and learn not to run into the street.

Setting limits also involves setting rules that children are expected to follow. Tell them that dirty clothes go in the hamper, garbage goes in the trash, food goes nowhere near the bedroom, and adults are to be respected, not talked back to.

 

Let older children set their own rules.

To a point, of course, it's helpful to let older children help set the rules. This is particularly true for teenagers. Kids can even help determine what the penalty should be when they break a rule, such as curfew. You have the final say, but at the same time it helps children to participate in setting household rules.

Be consistent.

Children need to know what you expect from them by the limits you set. And you must be consistent. If there is no TV on school nights, there is no TV on school nights. Period. Stick to these rules no matter how loudly kids whine. If you let them change your mind by throwing a fit, they have won a victory that is not good for them or for you. In fact, you will have validated the outburst by giving in. Sometimes adults cave in because they feel the children won't love them if they don't. But, in the long term, children will love and respect adults more if they are consistent. And remember, consistency doesn't mean being rigid when you realize circumstances have changed.

State the rules positively.

Parents and caregivers should put a positive spin on rules. For instance, "Please put dirty clothes in the hamper," works better than, "Don't throw your dirty clothes on the floor." "Treat family with respect" is more useful than, "Don't smack your little sister." Too many "Thou Shalt Nots" encourages some children to defy authority or express anger. Even with the positive tone, you still have to be firm and consistent.

Give children choices.

You can also discipline children by giving them choices. Do they want to take a bath before or after dinner? When the kids choose the time, they have made a commitment to take a bath, which is what counts. Do they want to wear the black pants or the green pants to church? They get the choice, but you have just told them they are not wearing jeans.

Likewise, you can let them choose from a variety of foods as long as the choices are all good ones. Children who are given choices feel respected. They are also learning independence, which becomes especially important during adolescence. Children who are allowed to make small choices at young ages are better prepared to deal with the larger choices when not so young.

With proper discipline at home, kids behave well when they are away from home and out of sight of their parents or caregivers. Disciplined kids are less likely to disrupt the classroom or bully and intimidate other kids. Your self-disciplined child is someone you can count on to take responsibility for what he does and is less likely to do what others want him to. Disciplined children know the difference between right and wrong and are less likely to go wrong, and today there are a whole lot of ways to get there—illicit drug and alcohol abuse, premature sexuality, violence. You name it, someone is doing it. But it doesn't have to be your kid.

 

Excerpted from Come On People by Bill Cosby and Alvin Poussaint, MD, Copyright © 2007 by William H. Cosby Jr. and Alvin F. Poussaint, MD.