Have you ever thought about the difference between
talking with and talking to someone? Talking with someone puts you and the
other person on an even footing. It gives more than one person a chance to
express a belief or opinion. Talking to someone, on the other hand, is being -
well, patronizing, or worse, domineering, even tyrannical. So only one person
has a chance.
Every child knows the difference between
being talked with and talked to. But many of us, when we talk - and children
are the audience - don't stop to distinguish between with and to. We respond
to the needs of the moment - what must be said. As adults and parents, we feel
responsible for what our children do and for what happens to them. We feel
especially responsible when we have done our best and a son or daughter is not
responding.
Blaming Ourselves
Let's suppose that eight year old
Ahmed is having trouble reading. He seems to be falling farther and farther
behind at school. You have always helped him with his homework. You've always
gone to parent-teacher conferences. You've read to him and had books in the
house for him ever since he was small. Now you say to yourself, "What did I
overlook when he was a baby? I followed those experts who said that certain
toys would have far-reaching effects. But maybe the toys I put in his crib
weren't the right ones." You don't say this aloud of course, because "Where
did I go wrong?" sounds far too melodramatic. And besides, you don't want to
make things worse for Ahmed by letting him know that you have something for
which to blame yourself. Instead, you try to talk to Ahmed about how important
it is to read - both in school and out. You may even tell him how reading will
improve his chances of becoming a happy adult, a doctor or lawyer, or of doing
something famous like writing a bestseller. From your point of view as an
adult, that makes good sense. Your experience makes it possible for you to be
wise about the skills that make adult life better and easier.
Try Listening Instead
But have you ever tried to find out
how Ahmed feels about his reading right now? Have you listened to him talk
about it and thought what his words meant? Maybe he says that reading a book
isn't as much fun as playing with his friend Momin, or as interesting as
watching the TV programs you allow him to see, or as exciting as working math
problems. Maybe the trouble he has had figuring out the words causes him to be
shy about reading in class. In addition to listening to him, try to ask him
the kinds of questions that may encourage him to give you specific information
about his feelings. Don't wait for the opportunity to stage a conversation,
but talk with him about his day at school while he's helping you put away the
groceries or water the plants. With the data that comes from careful listening
you can go to your next parent-teacher conference really prepared to work with
Ahmed's teacher to help him improve his reading performance.
When Stress Threatens to Get the
Better of Us
Patiently listening is one thing.
But what can we do about those times when we can't help showing our anger in
the most spectacular way? This spring Amina amazed you by going out for the
soccer team. You're just getting used to thinking of her making goals when one
afternoon, just as you've pulled into the driveway and are lifting your
briefcase off the back set, Amina and five other neighborhood kids approach
you looking a little sheepish. Amina tells you hesitantly that one of her
goals has just broken Mrs. Hamdan's window. "Mother," Amina says, "I didn't
mean to, I was just thinking about getting another point for my team." You're
furious - with the kids, with soccer in general, with Mrs. Hamdan, who doesn't
seem to like children anyway, with that briefcase full of papers you've
brought home to work on this evening. And there stands Amina, the handiest
target for your anger. You explode. "What business has a girl like you, from a
family like ours..." Amina is crushed, the neighborhood kids either pin you
with their stares or look everywhere but at your face, until finally one of
them says,"Oh, Mrs. Qurayshi, it wasn't Amina's fault," and Amina murmurs,
"It's OK, Mom. I'll fix it." So chagrin is added to all the other burdens of
the day, and you go indoors feeling a complete failure as a parent.
Be Honest
It might help to explain yourself
right then. You might put out your hand to Amina and say, "I'm sorry.
Sometimes I lose my temper when things don't go according to my plans." Then
find out from Amina and the others how the accident occurred. You might even
ask if she wants you to go with her to Mrs. Hamdan to see what can be done
about the broken window. That would certainly change your plans for the
evening. But it would assure Amina and her friends of your support, your
understanding of the accidental nature of the incident, and your ability to be
fair in spite of all your other concerns. And it would disarm Mrs. Hamdan
before she could organize her offensive against children "with working
mothers." Such a show of support would also assure Amina and her friends that
you weren't just being mean when you asked them to change the location of the
neighborhood game so that no one's windows were endangered.
Some Suggestions to Foster Better
Communication
* Whenever you want your children to
know what you think and desire of them, you might keep in mind a few things
that will help you focus on talking with, rather than talking to them:
* Communicate as clearly as possible
exactly what you mean. Listen to your words and think how they might be
misinterpreted if they don't reflect exactly what is on your mind.
* Listen to what your children are
saying. Try to understand exactly what their words mean.
* Whenever you talk with your children,
take an even, reasonable, conversational tone. If you show anger, make sure
later that they understand its cause. You can explain it without being overly
apologetic.
* If your children have subjects they
are enthusiastic about, let them teach you something about those areas of
knowledge.
* Contribute your wisdom. You have had
the opportunity to learn a great deal from your experiences. Don't feel put
down when your children say "in your day" or "in olden times, when you were a
kid...." Remember that young people are interested in how things were done in
the past, and they haven't lived long enough to have your sense of time.
* Encourage your children's curiosity,
interest in discovery, and intellectual independence. Ask questions that make
them think about their interests and want to learn more about them.
Final Thoughts
If a child is having problems in or
out of school, don't waste time blaming yourself. Although you certainly share
the responsibility for your children's development, yours is not the only
influence on their behavior. Touch base often with your children about the
problems they may be having. Be practical and help them look for solutions,
both short and long term. Keep in mind that you can't shield your children
from the problems of the real world. Nor can you keep accidents from
happening. Some attempts at good parenting may be overzealous. By trying to
avoid being too protective and solicitous for your children's concerns you can
help them to become truly independent people. An adult who is independent can
also appreciate the warmth and support of close human relationships. Talking
with a child is one of the best ways to show that you understand the value of
that warmth and support and know how to give it.